LOOK AT ME NOW

I haven't posted in awhile. I've told some of you that it's because I'm busy with two jobs, spring cleaning and an unrelenting social calendar, but the real reason is that I've been depressed about my wardrobe.

On the whole, I'm a fashionplate. Ask my friends. I am constantly wowing them with my Husky Boy jeans, assorted T-shirts and selections from my Birkenstock collection. I generally do a good job of keeping current, but occasionally I get busy and fall behind the fashion times by 10 or 15 years. Then I have to remedy the situation pronto with some purchases designed to update my look and restore my self-esteem. Here are a few things that my wardrobe lacks. Don't be surprised if next time you see me I am wearing one or more of them:

1. High-heeled blue flip-flops — These are not only beautiful, but are the ultimately sensible shoe. What could be more comfortable than having a piece of plastic wedged between two toes? Or more practical than a tiny rubber heel? Clearly they are the perfect walking shoe. And besides that, who doesn't have a thousand uses for aqua blue shoes made out of fly-swatter material?

2. School-girl plaid mini skirt — As I was viewing Internet porn for research, I happened to notice that this skirt is very trendy. I can't believe I don't own one already. I'm a girl. I go to school. So this is really more a question of need than want.

3. Thong underwear with witty writing on the triangle — I ordered this pair because one day I hope to marry a quiet librarian who enjoys Shakespeare and fine wine and witty sayings on underwear. I'm going to order some for me, also in pink, that say "Editors do it with style" and "Adjunct professors do it with discipline," or some other classy saying that will be sure to impress a lover. Maybe you all can give me some ideas.

4. Pink shorts with writing on the butt —I liked these better before I realized that they said "Dancer," not "Danger." I would prefer for people to look at my ass and think "Danger!" That would rule. A lot of your more upscale gals are wearing writing on the ass. Usually it is the name of a sports team or something like "P.I.N.K." I prefer candor, so I'd rather it just say "Look at my sexy ass" or "Get a load of my load." Or they could have personalized ass writing — like with license tags — where you write something in a kind of shorthand and challenge passersby to decode it. Something elegant, like GR8LAY.

5. Burberry condoms — Some of you might think I have as much use for a condom as a dog has for a typewriter. But the point of the Burberry condom is the point of the Burberry scarf. It's meant to be seen. Its actual usefulness is entirely beside the point. You know how you see a lot of people wearing real crappy stuff with a $200 Burberry scarf around their neck? It's like that one accessory brings their whole look together and negates all the crap. You don't see anything else but the scarf. It becomes the focal point. I figure if houseguests saw a bowl of Burberry condoms in my bathroom or the grocery bagger saw one fall out of my purse "accidentally," they'd automatically forget all the crap and assume some awesome things about my sex life. And if people think you're having awesome sex — expensive, awesome, plaid sex — you rise immediately in their estimation.

6. Black push-up bra with floral design — As I said earlier, I'm depressed. I could use a lift.

If any of you have other ideas for things that would look fabulous on me, I'm all ears.