SHOP TALK

Sally: (standing in cubicle) OK, how many times have you run out of gas in, say, the past year?

Erica: I've never run out of gas.

Me: Me either. (Wishing cl were present for a diverse point of view).

Jason: (indecipherable mumbling)

Sally: Todd has run out of gas three times in the past MONTH!

[Todd is the stepkid who lives on Sally's couch. He is 18, has no job, no ambition, but apparently has lots of places to go in the car — that is, the brand-new car that his dad, Sally's husband, bought for him while Sally continued to commute late at night in a jalopy. He also runs up three-digit phone bills talking to a girl he was "in love with a few years ago." Sally surmises this girl is NOW about to turn 15.]

Erica: Wow.

Me: Wow.

Jason: (puts his iPod headphones back on)

Sally: I hate that kid.

Me: I enjoy when parents are honest about their feelings for their children.

Sally: That kid needs some honesty. His real mother, Linda, told me, "Well, it's his house, too. He can do what he wants." I said 'think again,' and we got into it; now she's in therapy. Then Todd's therapist called her and said, "This kid has never had any rules in his life; he's a timebomb waiting to explode." Now Linda's on medication after hearing that.

Roger: (walks up) Who's a timebomb?

Me: Sally's son.

Erica: Stepson.

Sally: He ran out of gas three times in a MONTH.

Me: He's 18 and doesn't have a job.

Roger: Why doesn't he have a job?

Sally: His dad won't make him get one.

Me: Why doesn't he live with his mom?

Sally: She's too fragile; plus, his dad lets him do whatever he wants.

Roger: He's too big to bend over your knee, huh?

Sally: His dad would kill me if I laid a finger on him.

Me: You could poison his food.

Sally: If I had known all this shit was going to happen, I wouldn't have given him any food. I WOULD HAVE STARVED THE LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER OUT!

[General applause. Work resumes.]