A PUFF PIECE ON FAMILY VALUES
In a departure from my usual healthy eating, I have been subsisting the past couple of days on a box of Hy-Vee-brand Frosted Wheat Puffs, which has 9 essential vitamins. Plus iron. Plus a year’s supply of sugar. I didn’t realize until today, though, that it has something more. In addition to the nutrition, there are also recipes to die for, such as “Puffs and Stuff,” which contains Wheat Puffs and miniature marshmallows. (I’ll send you the recipe, Christy.) AND, MOREOVER, on the back of the box, there's this: “The Gift of Gab: Fun questions to spark great family discussions.”
It reads: “At the dinner table, on the go or just hanging out, these questions will turn you into a family of chatterboxes. You’re in for some laughs, surprises, friendly disagreements and good family fun.”I pondered all the questions over my stand-up lunch at my kitchen counter. I answered them by myself, because my family doesn’t live here, but I was imagining the good times we’d have if they did. I’m sharing the questions here in case your family is starving for meaningful interaction and you don’t have a Hy-Vee near you.
1. If you were invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Who would answer this in front of their family? Honestly.
2. Which superhero power would you like to have?
Being invisible.
3. If you could travel back in time, when and where would you go?
Ancient Greece. (My dad would say the Wild Wild West!)
4. If you went back in time, how would you prove that you were from the future?
(I like this, It’s a follow-up question for the family with more advanced members.) The Brad Pitt movie "Troy."
5. What five things would your family put in a time capsule to show the kind of family you are?
*
6. What would you do if you inherited a billion dollars?
I’d realize I was adopted.
7. What if you didn’t need sleep?
I'd have four more hours a day to waste.
8. What if the sun stayed out all day?
That rockin' Bob Seger song “Night Moves” would lose all meaning.
9. If you could change sexes for a day, would you?
Not a whole day. Maybe for an hour. And only if my insurance paid for the surgery.
10. If you could relive a day of your life, which day would it be?
Last Christmas. (This is one of those answers that would "surprise" my family ... who don't understand how sentimental I am.)
11. What if you received too much change back from a cashier?
Meaning?
12. What if you had the power to know every time someone told you a lie?
I'd be alienated from my entire family.
13. If your house was on fire and you could save just two things, what would they be?
Mabel and Rupert!
14. Is it harder to be the little sister/brother or big sister/brother?
Little. Hands down. (This is one of the questions intended to spark "friendly disagreement.")
15. If you could be really smart or really athletic, which would you choose?
Duh. Athletic.
16. Would you rather be the tallest or shortest person on earth?
A choice between two kinds of freak. I need more than one mealtime to contemplate this.
17. Would it be good if you got everything you wished for?
Yes!
18. How would the world work if there were no such thing as money?
This is a trick question to see if you’re a burgeoning communist. Inside the cereal box, there’s a guide for parents whose kids answer “Just great!”
19. Describe yourself with one word.
Sexybitch.
20. Name one thing you wish you weren’t afraid of.
Getting decapitated in a car wreck. (I'm sure Mom would encourage me to flesh out my gory thoughts at the breakfast table.)
21. Make up a nickname for yourself.
Mrs. Large-Butt Callahan (LBC for short)
22. Name the one family rule you would most like to see abolished.
*
23. If you could name the kind of dream you’ll have tonight, what will it be?
Who would answer this in front of their family? Honestly. But couldn’t you see your dad telling some huge, fat lie like “I would dream that we were all together enjoying a family vacation — all healthy and happy.” And your mom, glaring at your dad, saying “ditto.”
24. If you were offered a ride on the space shuttle, would you go?
No way!
25. If you could communicate with one kind of animal, what would it be?
Men. (I think my mom would also give this answer.)
26. What if your best friend wanted to cheat off your schoolwork?
I would let her. But I’d assure my parents that this would never happen because my best friend is way smarter than I am.
27. What would the perfect family day be?
*
28. What if everything you wrote came true?
Then I would write down "World peace, except for al-Qaida and whistlers."
29. If you were your parents’ parent for a day, what would you do?
Make them use birth control. (This is one of the questions intended to spark "laughter.")
*I really drew a blank on Questions 5, 22 and 27. I'll have to think on those over my stand-up dinner.
posted by kc @ 1:28 PM
16 comments
16 Comments:
Hey, sexybitch! Sexybitch!
"World peace, except for al-Qaida and whistlers."
How about Phill Kline and Connie Morris?
"Getting decapitated in a car wreck."
And that's the first thing that comes to your mind?
Okay, I'll critique some of your answers. Then maybe later I'll give my answers to some of the questions.
1. If you were invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Who would answer this in front of their family? Honestly.
So I'm guessing the answer has to do with a dressing room, perhaps at a bike shop?
2. Which superhero power would you like to have?
Being invisible.
That confirms it!
3. If you could travel back in time, when and where would you go?
Ancient Greece. (My dad would say the Wild Wild West!)
You may want to be specific about the city-state (unless you're planning to go back as a male philosopher).
9. If you could change sexes for a day, would you?
Not a whole day. Maybe for an hour. And only if my insurance paid for the surgery.
I want more details on the thought process behind this one. Is the joke that the male mind is so simple that you'd learn the mysteries of it in that stretch of time?
15. If you could be really smart or really athletic, which would you choose?
Duh. Athletic.
Are you saying that "duh" and "athletic" naturally go together?
19. Describe yourself with one word.
Sexybitch.
No fair! You're cheating! Okay, I'll describe you in one word: Tender.
20. Name one thing you wish you weren’t afraid of.
Getting decapitated in a car wreck.
I'm afraid of that, too, but I don't necessarily wish I weren't afraid of it!
24. If you were offered a ride on the space shuttle, would you go?
No way!
Why not?
25. If you could communicate with one kind of animal, what would it be?
Men. (I think my mom would also give this answer.)
Fuck you both!
Why do you want to communicate with men, anyway?
26. What if your best friend wanted to cheat off your schoolwork?
I would let her. But I’d assure my parents that this would never happen because my best friend is way smarter than I am.
Hmm. I wonder who that could be. I would guess me, but you said "her." Maybe that was just to throw everybody off.
8. What if the sun stayed out all day?
Forget Bob Seger; you'd be out of a job on the night desk.
" 'Getting decapitated in a car wreck.'
And that's the first thing that comes to your mind?"
It seems kinda natural that the first thing to come to mind, in decapitation, is losing your mind.
9. If you could change sexes for a day, would you?
I think I'd take a different point of view with this one. I'd change sexes of all the other men in the world to women; my chances of scoring within the next 24 hours might go up.
And think, Ben, kc and her mom could talk with you for a day!
"Night Moves." That's funny.
21. Mrs. Large-Butt Callahan?
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Thanks, Erin. I fixed 21.
Thanks, George, for unobtrusively indicating that I misspelled Bob Seger. Fixed it. I'm going to have to force the copy desk to do second reads before I post. I can hear it now: "I don't think we should be editing your blog while we're trying to get the paper out." Blah blah blah. And I'll have to be like, "I don't think you should be asking for those days off then."
Oh, and good call on the night shift, Boy.
Ben, the city state would be Sparta, of course. They were a little more progressive there in terms of what they allowed chicks to do.
"Is the joke that the male mind is so simple that you'd learn the mysteries of it in that stretch of time?" Yes, Benjie, that's the joke. I figure that after an hour I'll be all tapped out, which is another joke.
I couldn't ride on the space shuttle because I'd hurl everywhere and embarrass myself in front of the sexy astronauts. They'd be like, "Look at the beautiful blue Earth!" And I'd be like, "Dude, I can't read in the car."
On the last, yes, dear, I was just trying to throw everyone off. You are very smart indeed.
I posted my own answers to the quiz on my blog just now.
I figured your best friend would know enough to copy off the smart person in the class, not the athletic sexybitch.
And as far as superpowers, mine would be to be invisible also. The first thing I would do? I think it would kinda have to be to take my clothes off.
And if the desk gives you guff, you could threaten to make the edit either your blog, or Crap O' Joel.
Whoops! I meant Cup. Honest.
Ever since I heard that radio piece about comicbook superheros that didn’t make it, I’ve been concocting failed superpowers. Now I have a new one: the power to make everyone else invisible all at one go. The first issue has an exhibitionist story line, and then....
Oh, and you just made up the answer on number 18. There is no such guide in the box. If you read the ingredient label, down near those anti-caking agents is listed an “anti-pinko” agent. It causes cancer and headaches, of course, but how else do you think they ever got the masses to put up with their crap?
And how about if the sex change was a regular appointment? I’d be male on Mondays, and, I think, Thursdays.
Why would you want everyone else to be invisible, exactly? ... oh wait, that's why it's a failed superpower.
Yes, I believe the original quote from ancient Rome, which has been corrupted through the centuries, was "Wheat Puffs and circuses."
Also, DW, glad you had a safe trip back to the coast.
Want some 108 degree weather?
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