NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE

Gals are always asking me for beauty tips. And naturally I have little to say. Either you’re born with it or not, n’est-ce pas?
I mean, I was overhearing some lady broadcasters recently, and they seemed to be of the same opinion. It’s all about bone structure and pore size and being tiny and having a fresh smile and whatnot. The rest is just maintenance — the lip creams and hip creams and cuticle conditioners and hair gels and all that. If you don’t have a good foundation, no amount of product is going to turn your lemons into lemonade. And Lord knows you gotta have some sweet lemonade to read the news on TV.
Seriously. If you are anchoring a program on television, even a cable one, and at least 80 percent of your male audience doesn’t want to masturbate while you’re doing it — this is called a “Nielsen Rating” or something — then you lack what we in the journalism industry call Credibility. And without Credibility you have nothing.
Case in point. The other day I was at the hair salon, and on the other side of the partition I heard this familiar voice. I couldn’t place it until the gal beautician (mine is the guy beautician, but he’s not a homo) asked the voice, “So are we going to get a lot of storms this summer?” And the voice, which had been talking about a trip she took with her boyfriend, said something like, “Well that’s really hard to predict this time of year” and babbled on about barometric pressure and warm fronts and whatnot, and I knew right away it was the girl meteorologist who works in the same building as me. So I tuned into their conversation and let my own beautician, who was talking about the various joys of fatherhood, fend for himself. Anyway, the meteorologist was lamenting to her beautician how some commercial she just made was a big fi-ASS-co because the people doing it did the lighting test on her indoors but filmed outdoors and somehow this caused her face, which had a lot of TV makeup on it, to not match the rest of her body, which, of course, totally ruined her Credibility. I mean, you see someone in a situation like that, looking like an idiot more or less, and are you going to believe that girl next time she says the high temperature is going to be 87 with winds out of the southwest? I think not.
So beauty is important, and like I said already, it’s not really something you can buy. And the lady professionals in the broadcasting community agree.
But one thing these gal journalists have overlooked is a product you can get at this hippie place for like $8. This store is called The Smirk or The Jerk or The Turk or something like that.

So anyway, I was fixing to order some of this high-tech skin care when I stumbled on this hippie store and, on a lark, bought a tub of this stuff called calcium bentonite clay, the scientific name for which is “Aztec Secret.”
And what a secret it is! I’m not even going to tell the TV gals about it yet. That way, they can keep spending their $50 and you less gorgeous gals, for whom I’ve always had a lot of sympathy, can get a jump on improving your faces. I mean, don’t use this stuff if you’re not already pretty darn good looking, because like I said before, that would be a waste. But if you’ve basically got it going on, this can help you keep it going on.
Here’s what you need:
• Two tablespoons of Aztec Secret
• Two tablespoons of raw apple cider vinegar
Mix the two ingredients together, slather it on your face, let it dry 20 minutes or so (you gals with greasy complexions will have to wait longer),

Be ready for a tingle! When you toss in the apple cider vinegar it fizzes up like a gin ricky. It feels pretty good on your mugshot, but I would not advise — tempting as it is! — using it on the moneyshot, if you know what I’m saying — especially, trust me, if you are due for a waxing.
Another thing, when you use this product you cannot smile AT ALL or the clay will crack and its tightening properties will be diminished! When I was taking that picture of myself above, I almost cracked a smile and ruined my facial. So when you put on your Aztec mask, make sure there is nothing humorous going on, like “Dancing With the Stars” or old “Cosby” reruns, which are always sending these fun-loving gal journalists into peals of laughter.
I’m out of time now, but another product you not so gorgeous gals can use to prop up your looks is a wild flower body cream called “Boss Lady.”

15 Comments:
As usual, I'm speechless, Boss Lady.
Calcium bentonite clay
Seeing that you put it on your face and all, I won’t mention that this is the same stuff you spread on the bottom of a pond or the dam to stop it from leaking. You buy it by the cubic yard I think.
It would probably be cheaper by the cubic yard, kc. I wonder how long a cubic yard of it would last you?
Well, I read the fine print and discovered that this "Aztec Secret" was actually scraped from the floor of Death Valley, which is OK because that's one of my favorite places, but I guess for marketing reasons they wouldn't want to call it "Death Valley Secret."
If I had a cubic yard, I could take a regular mud bath.
I forgot to mention that Mabel really likes how this stuff smells. Her big snout is in a couple of pictures I took of my mask because she wouldn't leave me alone.
Keep using the dam caulk. Next time I see you, I ought to be able to bounce a quarter off your face.
I'm glad that I'm not far enough removed from the J-W that I know not only who said what in this face-cream conversation, but I can even picture their inflections, and their volume (both loudness of voice and booty size).
Of course, I'd never try any Aztec Secret. Maybe if I were trying to be a male go-go dancer, though ...
I think I also told you the story of my broadcast writing instructor at OU: He said if you have five minutes before going on air with a story and you only have time to either check your facts or check your makeup, you always check your makeup.
This man, who was the morning anchor at the ABC affiliate, is now the OKC mayor, and is now running for Congress. I'm sure he'll not only win, but look good doing it.
Well, you can already bounce a quarter off my abs, so my face can't be far behind.
George, your instructor is the mayor of OKC?? Mick Cornett? Did we run into him at the Habana Inn?
Also, George, if you're serious about becoming a male go-go dancer, you should sign up for a pole-dancing class at your local YMCA.
Yep, Mick Cornett. I don't think we ran into him since we didn't go to that third club.
Do you mean the downtown Tulsa Y? Eww! Talk about sketchy -- from the stories I've heard about that place, I'd move into the Interstate Inn permanently before going there for anything.
Oh, and I almost forgot: beautiful pic, by the way. On a slightly related matter, guess what my new desktop looks like on my computer at the World.
Aaagghh! Great idea! She's going on the PC right now!
Not the Mac, though -- we've got a lovely picture of the Newton train station, taken by the city's Public Information Officer, as the desktop on our Mac.
G, don't forget, I have a picture of you as a semi-retarded, incestuous Herbie Cornhusker.
And B, I have a picture of you as a Bob Vila wannabe. And I have photoshop.
Wait, I'll need an image for my KU computer, too. B, try to get a pic of Erin in a compromising situation, like maybe tonguing a bottle after you drank from it. (You have to read her diary to know what this is about).
I think I threw away those naked pictures of Erin.
And she doesn't seem to do nasty things anymore like she did before I met her.
Hee hee!!! Good one, kc.
And I still say I'm the reason KU beat Nebraska for the first time in 36 years.
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