NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE

Gals are always asking me for beauty tips. And naturally I have little to say. Either you’re born with it or not, n’est-ce pas?

I mean, I was overhearing some lady broadcasters recently, and they seemed to be of the same opinion. It’s all about bone structure and pore size and being tiny and having a fresh smile and whatnot. The rest is just maintenance — the lip creams and hip creams and cuticle conditioners and hair gels and all that. If you don’t have a good foundation, no amount of product is going to turn your lemons into lemonade. And Lord knows you gotta have some sweet lemonade to read the news on TV.

Seriously. If you are anchoring a program on television, even a cable one, and at least 80 percent of your male audience doesn’t want to masturbate while you’re doing it — this is called a “Nielsen Rating” or something — then you lack what we in the journalism industry call Credibility. And without Credibility you have nothing.

Case in point. The other day I was at the hair salon, and on the other side of the partition I heard this familiar voice. I couldn’t place it until the gal beautician (mine is the guy beautician, but he’s not a homo) asked the voice, “So are we going to get a lot of storms this summer?” And the voice, which had been talking about a trip she took with her boyfriend, said something like, “Well that’s really hard to predict this time of year” and babbled on about barometric pressure and warm fronts and whatnot, and I knew right away it was the girl meteorologist who works in the same building as me. So I tuned into their conversation and let my own beautician, who was talking about the various joys of fatherhood, fend for himself. Anyway, the meteorologist was lamenting to her beautician how some commercial she just made was a big fi-ASS-co because the people doing it did the lighting test on her indoors but filmed outdoors and somehow this caused her face, which had a lot of TV makeup on it, to not match the rest of her body, which, of course, totally ruined her Credibility. I mean, you see someone in a situation like that, looking like an idiot more or less, and are you going to believe that girl next time she says the high temperature is going to be 87 with winds out of the southwest? I think not.

So beauty is important, and like I said already, it’s not really something you can buy. And the lady professionals in the broadcasting community agree.

But one thing these gal journalists have overlooked is a product you can get at this hippie place for like $8. This store is called The Smirk or The Jerk or The Turk or something like that. It really irks me that I can’t think of the name, but, you know, it’s all organic, like oatmeal deodorant and whole-wheat tampons and such. Whatever. Anyway, these TV gals were talking about the $40 and $50 face creams they special order. And one girl was like, “I’ve been using high-dollar cream since I was 16. And I’m like 26 now. Do you see a single line on my face? Or anywhere? No, not a single one.” This gal always answers her own questions before anyone else can, which makes her a good journalist, but she was right; there wasn’t a single line on her face or on her body either. Well, I didn’t check out her whole body, naturally — I’m no lesbo — but I’d be willing to bet the skin on her tushy is just as firm and line-free as the skin on her face. Well, not counting that one big line in the middle of her tushy. Ha! Just between me and you, it’d take a lot of cream to fill that ravine. Ha! So then another gal in the group said, “Well, I don’t know if I want to spend that much on cream,” and the gal with perfect skin said, “Look, what do you want? Do you want to spend $50 a week on cream or do you want stretch marks and aging lines criss-crossing your body like railroad tracks?” Well, how can you argue with that logic? Then she turned to this gal who works for the newspaper, which means she hardly even brushes her teeth or combs her hair let alone moisturizes (because Credibility is less important in print journalism, to be frank), and said, “You. Do you use face cream?” And this print gal looked confused and said, “No.” And the broadcast gal said, “Yeah, I can tell.” And that was some more logic you couldn’t argue with. I mean, it sort of hurt the print gal’s feelings or whatever, the way she acted, but that’s kind of too bad. I mean, nothing is more important — if you read your Keats or Yeats or whoever — than Truth and Beauty. And speaking Truth about someone else’s lack of Beauty is like the highest calling there is. Like that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know or whatever.

So anyway, I was fixing to order some of this high-tech skin care when I stumbled on this hippie store and, on a lark, bought a tub of this stuff called calcium bentonite clay, the scientific name for which is “Aztec Secret.”

And what a secret it is! I’m not even going to tell the TV gals about it yet. That way, they can keep spending their $50 and you less gorgeous gals, for whom I’ve always had a lot of sympathy, can get a jump on improving your faces. I mean, don’t use this stuff if you’re not already pretty darn good looking, because like I said before, that would be a waste. But if you’ve basically got it going on, this can help you keep it going on.

Here’s what you need:

• Two tablespoons of Aztec Secret
• Two tablespoons of raw apple cider vinegar

Mix the two ingredients together, slather it on your face, let it dry 20 minutes or so (you gals with greasy complexions will have to wait longer), wash it off, and voila, you’re beautiful, just like Cleopatra, who is mentioned on the label as one of the main spokesmodels for this product, along with some other Aztec beauties.

Be ready for a tingle! When you toss in the apple cider vinegar it fizzes up like a gin ricky. It feels pretty good on your mugshot, but I would not advise — tempting as it is! — using it on the moneyshot, if you know what I’m saying — especially, trust me, if you are due for a waxing.

Another thing, when you use this product you cannot smile AT ALL or the clay will crack and its tightening properties will be diminished! When I was taking that picture of myself above, I almost cracked a smile and ruined my facial. So when you put on your Aztec mask, make sure there is nothing humorous going on, like “Dancing With the Stars” or old “Cosby” reruns, which are always sending these fun-loving gal journalists into peals of laughter.

I’m out of time now, but another product you not so gorgeous gals can use to prop up your looks is a wild flower body cream called “Boss Lady.” It not only enhances the softness and loveliness of your skin, but it smells terrific and, as the name implies, it boosts your self-confidence as well. I guarantee it will make you feel very bossy and Credible indeed. This is a highly exclusive product, however. To the best of my knowledge, it can only be purchased in the gift shop of the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City. I have a lot of connections, though, so I’ll see what I can do.