ANOTHER QUEER BEGINNING

Gay men make everything better. Honestly, I just can't think of a single situation that wouldn't be improved by the addition of a gay man.

Today I was running a little late to work and was frustrated as I headed to my car and saw that it was covered with snow and ice. Crap! I'll be even later. So I got out my lame plastic scraper and started clearing the windows, when a cruddy old jalopy whooshed up to the curb in front of me. My neighbor got out and sashayed up the walk with a tall, skinny, bearded man in tow. This man was wearing giant black boots, a fur-trimmed red hat and a plush red Santa cape. Not suit. Cape.

Immediately this jolly St. Nick, a complete stranger, perceived my plight and said, "Oh! Don't you hate that! You're all ready to go, you're all dressed, and you come out to this!" swooping his splayed hand dismissively in the direction of my windshield. His other hand stuck delicately out of his cape, holding an ultra-long cigarette aloft.

I agreed that it was a bother.

"But it's so pretty otherwise," he said, gesturing more broadly, indicating all the rest of nature that didn't include my car. For some reason, I thought this is exactly the sort of remark my mom would make: that something was really annoying yet pretty. And then I had a realization. Gay men are so great because they're like our moms. Warm, expansive, accepting, always trying to redeem a bad situation, always saying obvious things with a sense of originality and nonobvious things with a total deadpan.

And like our moms they sometimes show a charming ignorance about who we really are. As he disappeared into the house, he cooed, "Merry Christmas! Don't break a nail!"