NOT JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE
By Boy George Z/Special correspondent
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."
LAWRENCE, Kan. — You may have noticed, I usually am the one working behind the scenes. When I was briefly in theater, I was backstage or up in the booth; in journalism, I wasn't just in newspapers, but on the design desk. Well, as the saying goes, a face for radio and a voice for newspapers.
But NO MORE!!!
Last week you saw kc's post on the wonders of the Aztec Secret — what the native California desert dwellers affectionately call "calcium bentonite clay."
Let me give my testimonial now: This stuff works! A couple scoops of dust — er, I mean specially formulated facial healing solution — with some raw apple cider vinegar will make you clean and sparkly, and a little red in the face for about 20 minutes, but then watch out!
Yes, this wonder product will make you the apple of another person's eye, as well as nose! When you mix the two ingredients together it gets all fizzy and smells good enough to lick off your face (which, come to think of it, kc's dog Mabel might have licked some residue by my ear later; she was gassy all night — Mabel, not kc). This treatment will make you as American as apple pie, just like Cleopatra.
And the natural fizziness is good on the face, but given that this is a full testimonial, I'll concur with kc in that it is not good on the moneyshot. Yes, we gooped up a little extra so I could try that, too. (Did I say a little extra? I meant a LOT EXTRA!)
However, I think my trial will give just a bit more effort. No, it's not good on the moneyshot, but what about on your moneymaker? It's something I'll have to try. Me and kc couldn't because she didn't have enough Aztec Secret for that. Heck, I'll have to buy two jars just to cover my posterior, but I figure it'll be worth it. I mean, what guy couldn't use a little Deep Pore Cleansing on his ass?
Now I just have to figure out where to buy it. The jar kc bought she said she got at the Quirk or the Lurk, and I couldn't find those damn hippie stores; I think I might check the Merc, though.
In the meantime, I'm ready to make my debut as a Lawrence anchorgirl. I know the head honcho at the News Center; once I use up those two jars of calcium bentonite clay, he'll be ready to kiss my Asstech Secret.
posted by kc @ 6:32 PM
20 comments
20 Comments:
You are sure to go national, girl.
Oh, and finding those hippie stores is not so hard, it is sort of a Harry Potter thing--if you have a good frame of mind, you just slip right between a couple of old corporate stores and there you are. They don't take any money, they just trade you for something you no longer want.
I'm totally going national.
I even think I'm going to send my headshot to Ang Lee. Maybe he'll want to make a decent "Hulk" film, and use me instead of some crappy CG superhero.
I don't know if he's gone national yet, but he's definitely gone world -- Tulsa World. Let's just say his present co-workers are stunned and amused.
And I've not given the same explanation twice. When I've been asked why, the responses have been:
1. "Hulk" audition.
2. I was drunk.
3. I got caught in a Kansas mud storm.
4. I was at this restaurant, and I really liked the guacamole.
Boy, I thought it was because you were GREEN WITH ENVY over my facial photo.
Also Boy, I was thinking of that gal who walked by when we were out on the porch, the one who stopped and said, "How much does that apartment rent for. Do you guys smoke?" She was chowing down on that giant sweet roll and volunteered, "I CAN'T STOP FRICKING EATING!" And laughed wildly. Then she mumbled something about trying to scrounge up some ham to take to the homeless shelter to eat with that big bag of day-old bread she had. And we thought "cuckoo, cuckoo." And then how long after that am I parading you around the yard with that goop on your mug and you know where else taking pictures with you commenting nuttily on which is your best side and what kind of light is most flattering to your natural beauty? At last, I feel at home in my neighborhood.
Hee hee! No kidding ... what was it Erin said before?
"Life in East Lawrence. What a trip."
And it's like I said on my blog, your whole site makes me green with envy.
It's the Web equivalent of your front porch.
D'oh! I didn't see your blog yet.
But speaking of, I almost told Miguel about it today. He was talking at the meeting about seeing that Gore movie. I think it impressed the hell out of him.
Who's Miguel?
Most distinguished newsman in the building.
George, you are exactly right about playing the Hulk. But Ang Lee had his chance and biffed it. So I think you are going to star in the remake by Tim Burton and, of course, Johnny Depp will be in it. But after he sees how good your Hulk is, he will take second billing. I’m expecting Burton to return my call any minute now.
DW, I think that's brilliant. Hell, when Johnny Depp hear our pitch, he'll do it without Burton, he'll want you to direct.
The twist is that Bruce Banner tries to control the anger through compulsive eating -- that's why Johnny Depp will turn into a green me and head for the buffet.
George, you're going to have to smear your whole body with that stuff when you become a gogo dancer. It will really give you a leg-up on the other boy-toys.
George, that’s good. The funny thing is that I just had a conversation where I said that I’m not particularly interested in meeting most actors. I might like their work, but I doubt I’d care to hang around them. There are a few exceptions, of course. One that I mentioned was that it would be cool to have Johnny Depp over for dinner.
So that’s it then. We will have a big buffet, and pitch Depp while his mouth is full.
And how is the pole work going for Erin’s gig?
Erin, you're absolutely right. I think I need to fill a bathtub of the stuff and roll around in it, then someone can chisel me out after it hardens.
But DW, as both kc and I testified, it's not a good idea to put it on the moneyshot -- I'll have to figure another way to wax the pole.
George! Gross!
Hehehehe
Sorry, kc: it was too hard to resist.
Which, coincidentally, is what they'll be saying at the Copa.
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