LOW ART

From my diary, on Jan. 17, 2007

I have finally given up.

No more "L-Word." Ever.

My relationship with this lame, lousy, lazy, lusterless and inexplicably long-running excuse for a television program is lost. I'm logging off, letting go.

Come 9 o'clock Sunday I'll be reading a book, not sitting in front of the TV hoping this week the show will miraculously redeem itself.

How many hours of my life have I wasted on this banal and bothersome show? And what has it given me besides an obsessive-compulsive disorder to describe things with a string of alliterative adjectives, in the style of its grating and grotesque theme song, which was evidently penned by some pubescent "poet"?

Girls in tight dresses
Who drag with mustaches
Chicks drivin' fast
Ingenues with long lashes
Women who long, love, lust
Women who give
This is the way
It’s the way that we live

Talking, laughing, loving, breathing,
fighting, fucking, crying, drinking,
riding, winning, losing, cheating,
kissing, thinking, dreaming.

This is the way
It’s the way that we live
It’s the way that we live
And love

Jesus Christ. I could have been spending those hours online trying to meet an actual "L-person." (I mean, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that the "L" in the title stands for "lesbian," but I admit I can't be sure. The show is so subtle.)

Listen to me. Off on some tired tirade. I always tell my students to make their points with concrete details, not vague generalities. I can see why they ignore me; generalities are so much more satisfying. However, for the sake of not being a hypocrite, I should touch on some specifics.

This show is bad because:

1. It's not good.

OK, that's another generality. What isn't good about it? Let's see. The writing, for one. The sex, for two, and the acting, for three. When the show started a few years ago, I thought it was mediocre at best, but I stuck with it because (a) it's a lesbian show, which I'd like to support and (b) it was a nice break from the steady stream of STRAIGHT FARE EVERYFUCKINGWHERE. I'm not a heterophobe, but sometimes, especially when you live in Kansas, it's refreshing to see people like yourself (not that I'm like ANYONE on the "L-Word," except for the liking girls part, but that's a big part). I'm sure you heteros would agree if EVERYTHING around you were gay that it would be nice to see a show with a few straight people, even if it were something asinine like "Everybody Loves Raymond." And (c) the show had some interesting characters and situations, at least in the beginnning, that showed some promise. That went to hell when inexplicable TV-world things started happening, like when the unemployed blonde with no aptitude for filmmaking suddenly became a hip studio exec, or when the anorexic n'er-do-well got a hot job as a hairstylist at a trendy skateboard store, or when the rich heiress got cut off by mommy and had to apply for receptionist jobs. It's just crap.

2. It's a lifestyle commercial. Increasingly the show became about how the characters looked, what they were wearing, the houses they lived in, the cars they drove, the art they liked, the "product" in their hair. In a recent, especially shameful product placement, the fallen heiress comes home exhausted from her job search and pulls a bottle of Kahlua out of a bag. She doesn't drink it or anything; she just sets it conspicuously on the table, as if to say "Choosey femmes choose Kahlua." There's even an "L-Word" clothing line. I know, I know. This shit started with straight TV, but, fuck it, I expect better from family.

3. It starts with the goal of gay drama rather than good drama. They oughta be ashamed. They have a forum to make a high-profile, well-produced, revolutionary, one-of-a-kind show about gay women, and this is what they churn out? Lipstick lesbian fashion ads? Do they think the gayness redeems the lack of goodness? Or do they really think this is good? Why didn't the producers hire first-rate writers, "Sopranos"-caliber writers, "Six Feet Under"-caliber writers?

4. It employs every gay cliche in the book. All gay people go to bars every night. Bars and trendy coffee shops are the center of a gay person's world. Gay women mainly sit around talking about synonyms for the vulva and vagina. Gay people move from relationship to relationship; long-term mating is bound to fail. Gay people are principally concerned about appearance and style. Sometimes they talk about art or consumer choices, but mainly they are obsessed with relationships and scoring and gossiping about other gay people.

5. It wants to shock for the sake of shocking, even though it really isn't shocking at all; it's just stupid. It's not revolutionary to show a dildo or bondage gear or "obscene" art or role playing; what would be revolutionary is to show two women — to have at least two women out of this many-charactered menage — who love each other and provide for each other and have good sex without a suitcase full of penis substitutes.

6. It's not REALLY gay. Please. It's mere lesbian chic, especially with all these straight actresses doing guest spots. The show's slogan could be "We're here, we're not really queer, but we hope you buy a lot of shit from us."

From my diary, on Feb. 4, 2007:

Cybill Shepherd has really spiced up this show! I can't wait until next week. Amy's a big fan, too. Maybe if she's in town we can mix up some White Russians and watch it together.